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Friday, December 31st, 2010
9:53 pm - another year. gotta.
2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year?

Who were you with?
my cousin NICK (i think he's been a staple in my past new years' celebration), his fiance (wife now!) and their friends.

Did you kiss anyone at midnight?
24 years and i STILL havent yet, but i did kiss someone a whole lot the day after :-p (i bought alex a plane ticket to colorado for the weekend that night... it was pretty epic)

Did you make any resolutions?
i have NOOOOO idea. hahahahaha

2010 Your Love Life....

Taken ALL year!! he took me and ran with it :-)

How many relationships did you have?
uno :-)

How many break ups?
Nada :-D

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year?
i did... wow, lets see... kevin from IBM, my Lucky Stiff peeps, all of alex's friends and families <3 , and my new boston work friends! so much FRIENDLINESS!!!

Did any of your friendships end?
nah. im not the greatest at keeping in touch sometimes... but good friendships never really wander too far.

Did you dislike anyone?
the yin and yang, man! of course i did. it makes LIKING people that much better :-p

Did you get into any fights?
but of course.. im firey :-p

Did you make any new enemies?
uh uh... see its really hard to do -- get on my enemy side, that is... and then if you manage it then youre obviously bad ass and we Battle! then its so awesome we obviously become friends either after or during... depending on how badass and awesome we are.

Did you resolve any fights?
with battles.

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine?
i did. he made me dinner... it was unfortunately a rough day for a bunch of sad reasons. but dinner was amazing.

Did the Easter bunny visit you?
ummmm.... probably... he like me lots. so do the christmas lobster and new years monkey.

Did you watch fireworks on the 4th of July?
yeah there was lots of home fireworks in waitsfield. pretty pretty

Did you dress up for Halloween?
actually no... i think its the first year in my adult life that i havent :-( sadness.

What did you do for Thanksgiving?..
hehehehe. lets see... first i went to t. jans for snacks, then to cousin sean's for pre dinner dessert, then back to t. jans for dinner, then to alex's mom's for post dinner dessert. Fattie fattie no friends... but fattie fattie LOTS of family :-D

Did you make a list of gifts for the holidays?
nah. i told my mom i needed wellies and wellies i recieved.

Did you receive what you wanted?
see above.

Were you good this holiday season?
hmmmm... heh.

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn?

Did you have a cake?
dont LIKE it.

What did you do for your birthday?
tiny thai with alex, erik, and ler... then geeked out with some settlers of catan... yup, im pretty cool, i know -- you dont have to tell me.

Did you have a party?
yes. i made it out of brick and sheep.

Did you get any presents?
dinner. and dessert. and friends (i needed some of those)

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory?
there were deffinitely some laugh til you cry moments. as a matter of fact, i laughed so hard i erased the memory of what was so damn funny.

Saddest Memory?
dont wanna. there were a couple that REALLY sucked this year. they were evened by really happy moments though.

Best Accomplishment?
starting to lose this stupid baby fat (it totally counts as baby fat because ive been too much of a baby to work out and lose it :-p ) ...and not scaring away a wonderful guy? thats definitely new for me :-)


Favorite TV show?
oooooh... 30 rock and so you think you can dance.... annnnnnd united states of tara

Favorite songs?
you know i hate this question... still. but lets see... here's a few: Devotchka "the clockwise witness", Elbow "lay down your cross", Emperor X "right to the rails", Feist "mushaboom", Joanna Newsom "peach plum pear", Guillemots "trains to brazil" and "over the stairs" ... those are some of the big onesies.

Favorite food?
popcorn, OBV!

Favorite brands/clothes?
erm... i love my new sexy pants. and alex's flannel... and dylans new underwear that didnt fit him so i got it :-D

Favorite restaurants?
mmmm... tiny thai always. and i loved chow bella. i miss date nights :-(

Favorite piece of clothng?
umm... repetitive question pants.

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year?

Was 2010 a good year?
it all evens out and leans toward the positive. thanks life.

Did 2010 bring any new insights?
only bunches of them

Do you think 2011 will top 2010?
yeah. alex is coming back... thatll kinda rock my socks off. and i will be even more me than i already am. right? yeah.

Do you have any goals for 2010?
i dunno if you can tell how tired i am right now, but im gonna make one of my goals good nights of sleep. also losing that last 15lbs and just sticking to my awesome workout routines. i love the energy, so its dumb to ever NOT do it, ya know. god im tired.

Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end?
no, its time is up. bring it, new year.

Do you plan to do anything special for New Year 2011?
its done and over... i was on web chat with alex (thanks for not dying on me computer... i really do appreciate it.)

Who will you be kissing at Midnight?
i blew a kiss to alex... next year will be my first REAL nye kiss :-* happy making.

ok. goodnight. i am sleep to bed go.

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Friday, January 1st, 2010
12:33 am - HAPPY 2010
its gonna be a good one. it flows. its musical. i had a moment with tante di :-) dont worry be happy. it all is so good. alex is coming tomorrow. wow... its these moments you wonder... is it the drugs/booze/emotions/mindsotogether.... or is it real...


fuck salt cookies...


im just so into these keys and the fuckin beat beat. beat. i cant stop.

i want a different song,.

current mood: beat. beat. beat.

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Monday, April 13th, 2009
12:51 pm - Back to Me...

vermont for the summer. no theatre. cutting my hair?? :-D

also... i think lots of trips. i kinda forgot how happy LIVING makes me. also... well, yeah... people. people make me very happy. (im very appropriately listening to "the arrival gate" right now :-D "gonna go out to the arrivals gate at the airport and sit there all day. watch people reuniting, public affection so exciting it even makes airports okay")

seriously... lets take a look at this past year.
2008 --
in january/february i broke up with a boyfriend because he put an end date to us... i was something capable of having an expiration date... just because i was moving... the emphasis in our relationship to him was not Me, but Convenience in location.
in march i moved. exciting... very exciting. i had new possibilities and an amazing friend who was doing it right there with me... and i really mean RIGHT there with me... we lived together, looked for jobs together, hung out together, prepared for theatre life together, Found a job and trained/worked pretty much all shifts together, went out in the evenings together... we were two halves of a whole.
then i found love. three months of it. i was blissfully happy. so happy in fact that i worried... nobody should be this happy. best friend, boyfriend, exciting nyc opportunities... granted, the nyc experience was put on the back burner because the people experience ALWAYS comes first. anyway... the thrill and excitement that came from putting my all into these people ended in a short few months.
I got a new job and that exciting boyfriend, and suddenly the roommate and i were no longer two halves to a whole... we were separating... and replacing the excitement of us with the excitement of others... my other though was part of her others too... so it was still ok... we were still connected.
then the boyfriend left. he decided he needed to be selfish. that was the exact reason he gave, verbatim. ok. that hurt a lot. but its ok... its always ok... romance is not necessary in caring for someone. but he stopped caring too. i dont know how. he went from love to nothing. and with him went my connection to the roommate. even when i tried to fix things... because i realize that she didnt just leave me like he had, we drifted and i was actually the one who initiated that drifting, and if she wanted to remain friends with him, then it shouldnt effect us... she had no interest. i believe that hurting people is inevitable... a part of life. but real love and caring comes from when people try to fix that hurt theyve caused. she did not want to accept my attempts and had no interest in fixing that hurt she caused. suddenly i was caring for two people who had no use for me.
the ex-boyfriend from vermont (the one who marked me with the expiration date) moved to nyc... saying he had realized how much he did love me... and wanting me back. the expiration had been taken off of me... but pressure was added. i couldnt be romantic with him. i was so hurt in every way. but as i said before, romance is not necessary in caring for someone, so i tried to stop caring for the two that hurt me and start caring again for the one that wanted to make up for hurting me. but he made romance a necessity in his mind. he couldnt care about me without it... or at least he couldnt be around me without it. he probably never stopped caring. nor did i. because im stubborn as shit :-) and when i decide i care about you... it takes a lot to get out of that. but he moved back to vermont and gave up on friendship for the present.
i was sunk. but these people had left me in order to focus on what They needed and wanted. so obviously it was what i needed to do. Selfishness... the key to making it in nyc. i focused on physical desires and got boys who paid attention to me without needing much more. i focused on fun and found myself out with new friends, but none that would need me for more than a fun night out. i focused on my career and got a tour and my equity membership. selfish works here. the tour just recently ended and it all went SO well. i stopped desiring only attention from boys and they either disappeared or transformed into friends. fun continues... but i desire more. i miss that happiness. that dangerous happiness that requires a second party.
So i went home for a couple weeks... and decided that the couple weeks should become a few months. enough time to figure out where i need to be in order to find the balance between selfish and the need for other good people... while of course soaking in all the love from my real great friendships there :-)
So vermont for the summer was the decision. that way i can also be there for one of my all time best friends while she needs me most, and make money that is necessary to get me physically to the location i decide might be the right location for balance.
after making that decision, i got a call from yet another person i care deeply for with a last minute invitation to go to south carolina for his basic training graduation. gee, an opportunity to spend two day focusing on the achievements of someone i think is absolutely remarkable? i was on a bus the next day. and i did get to spend that two days beaming with pride and love and respect... which was amplified by getting to share it with his family who were equally proud and loving and beaming :-) and then to top it all off, his mom decided that she really liked me and, since id be in vermont for the summer, was pretty much going to adopt me as a replacement for her golden child while he's off in the army. Now granted, im pretty sure she thinks that him and i are in a serious romantic relationship, and she's a mom, very much like my own mom that i love but can drive me crazy... so i thought 'maybe this isnt such a good thing'... but after spending more time with her that weekend i realized -- at at the very bottom of everything, we share a great love and admiration for that one person and have bonded over that simple fact.. and honestly, its never a bad thing to have one more person that really cares about you. and it was hard not to be touched when she got so excited about getting to have Dobra dates again for the first time since he left, and then insisted she would help find me a job, and then sent me off with a $20 just so id have a little extra, and then called to make sure i got home ok :-) oh man... two mothers... and im not even married. hahaha
So, needless to say im really looking forward to my time in vermont... with emma and erik and my family and apparently wil's as well, OH! AND WIL for a little bit when he finishes this next training and gets his 10 day leave...
but yeah... god i love being able to have give and take in relationships!!! these are all good people who love me as much as i love them :-)
now... im not saying i dont have ANY of it here in nyc. Erica... i will miss you a stupid amount. i wish i could take you with me everywhere... cause i never seem to get to see you and yet you are the only one here in nyc that keeps me sane. rocco too... he's become a great friend. BUT i still have a little time for the nyc peeps before i head back to vt... and then who knows what will happen after october 3rd... maybe i CAN find a balance here in the big selfish apple. if i could just take some of those vt people back to the city with me... even the friend side out more to the selfish side... thatd be PERFECT... hmm... maybe thats something i can work on :-p

love love love

~me face~

current mood: good

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Monday, April 6th, 2009
10:56 pm - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
excited excited excited excited excited!!!!

after a painfully silly chain of letters saying "i want to come visit." "i havent heard back so i guess i shouldnt come visit" "just got your letters, wish i got them in time to tell you to come visit" "i could still hop a bus, but you probably wont get this in time to make arrangements for me to come visit" i actually got a call today and IM GOING TO VISIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha... probably shouldnt get THIS excited... but not seeing him on my last trip back home was just weird and stupid. so im excited. cause im not a patient person. and apparently have a huge fear of abandonment. hahahaha. oh childhood-based neuroses :-) and.. well, hopping on a bus on a whim is pretty exciting no matter what you do it for!

anyway... im ALSO excited because im getting the hell out of nyc for a few more months. gonna pretend like im back in college and sublet my room so i can go home for the summer... get a summer job, hopefully waitressing on church street... save up some money because im unemployed now and just draining my teeny savings account at this point... work on my audition material and get back into GREAT shape... and HELP EMMA PLAN HER WEDDING!!! YAY i get to be a REAL bridesmaid...

man... i cant believe my emma is getting married... i mean, its been seven years with j, so i CAN believe it. hahaha. but seriously.... she is the diana to my anne shirley... and this is it... shes gonna start poppin out babies next! man... i cant wait...
life is so fucking EXCITING!!!!!

<3 <3 <3

current mood: uh whats the word? ...excited?

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Saturday, March 21st, 2009
3:41 am - a perfect definition :-)

im not a regular myspace user anymore... but, recently, a cute nyc guy left me a message, questioning my listed occupation: 'girlface' :-)
i found myself replying tonight with the absolute perfect definition...

"girlface - definition - one who takes on, to an almost genius level, the characteristics of a female... 'acts a girl'... whether friend or romantic interest, she will charm you with her oh-so-cute style and witty banter, effectively lassoing you into her life, and then tear you apart piece by piece by over-analyzing not only what you did, but did NOT say. she somehow makes it her job to do things like 'take everything you say to heart' and 'misinterpret your every word and action'.
but also in the job description are the extremely rewarding tasks of 'caring an almost silly amount... sometimes whether or not one actually deserves it' and its sub-tasks 'doing terribly sweet things to show she cares' and 'being ridiculously loyal, sometimes to a fault'.

its a rough job, but someones got to do it.. though my career is definitely suffering at the moment. seems theres not much of a market for girlfaces anymore. at least not my type... see, i guess im a kind of girlface knock-off... the original girlfaces out there go undercover... i like to advertise my services :-D"

feel free to add or edit that definition... id love your feedback... but right now, i think it perfectly describes both me and my current frustration with people right now...
erica, love, i know you hear where im coming from... and you are one of the only people -- if not THE ONLY person, or MAYBE one of two -- around here that deserves and returns the caring and loyalty... and i know that actually, with us, I might be the one who falls behind sometime, whether due to ridiculous schedules or getting caught up in my own problems too much... and im sorry thats ever the case... i hate you ever thinking i take you for granted :-(
and of course, i only single erica out for being in nyc.... i know theres a TON of you kindred spirits out there for me around the USofA. Jo, Katie... if you guys still read this... and of COURSE Mutti! and that taking you for granted comment goes out to you guys too! im sorry if/when im not around when you guys need me. Honestly, if i get too caught up in 'me'-problems or my scheduling, i want you all to know you can and SHOULD give me a little verbal flick-to-the-forehead and be like "hey! i need you! right now, k?"
I miss you guys. and love you very much. and... im not sure if anyone else still reads this thing... or any anonymous passer-by-ers... but im sure i love you too... i might even miss you and not even know it yet :-)

g'night. i send you off with lots of that girl lovey stuff!

current mood: calm... and apparently goateed

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Monday, January 26th, 2009
3:48 am - sleepgrump
just want to send a quick fuck you to everyone who's ever broken my heart... Big break or small, you all added to what's now a lingering dull pain that wakes me up in these hotel rooms and keeps me from falling back to sleep. I've been trying in every way for over two hours. When it's silent, there are too many screaming thoughts... And a voice that sings about the ones he loved. When I put on music, all the songs seem to belong to you. to you. to you. all the yous. Stolen lyrics and tunes that I would gladly offer up as a response to all of all your... nothings... Your lack of everythings... Your indifference. Could anything be more heartbreaking than to simply not be loved... not be cared for even as friend...
But some care... Some even love... Maybe the thought of them will put me back to sleep.
But fuck you for keeping me up at all... You and the itching... I'd love nothing more than to be able to remove my skin and my heart before bed every night.
But until science finds a way for that... I'll keep applying lotion and waiting for the itches to dull enough to ignore... That includes the heart- itches ... With my emotional lotion. Heh.
Please let me go so I can sleep now

current mood: sleepgrump

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Thursday, January 8th, 2009
3:41 am - because this is where i go when im not ok
i hate that that is pretty much what this journal has mostly become... a place for me to vent when i cant do it out loud... or i cant do it right.

i need to go back to nyc... remember that i am 22 and have a life of my own. i need to not stay at my moms house when i come back to visit. i need to just figure out my own transportation... even if its cabs. i need to not attach myself to stupid ideas and silly moments. i need to throw a punch at him. i need to realize where i do not fit... and not worry myself about that... because theres plenty of other places i DO fit. i need to calm down right now. i need to get back to a real sleeping schedule... and get back in shape. really, to sum up... im currently a blob of lazy, tactless, silly, riled up, stupid girlishness who has regressed back to high school and is not dealing well with any of it. i feel like ive eaten an angry burger... and im past the angry part and on to the uneasy feeling in my stomach... and i just wish i had never gone to burger king in the first place. heh.

current mood: angry burger

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Friday, December 12th, 2008
4:43 am - dreaming...
so i just woke myself up (kinda) from this really weird awesome dream experience.. im super tired and dont wanna be writing this... but i know i'll lose it if i dont. im so weirded out by my subconscious right now.

so i was in the dream... and i knew i was in it. at first it was like something i recognized from maybe dreaming before. i was flying.. well, actually I wasnt flying, whatever i was sitting on was. ive never had a dream where i could fly. anyway... so this chair was flying and knew i was dreaming because it was flying.... but like i think ive dreamt... weird, dreamt isnt a word? see now i keep doubting whether im really awake cause of little things like words i couldve sworn were real. oh i guess the autospell was just momentarily being weird... or maybe i imagined them being weird. eek! subconscious, are you a part of me or am i a part of you?? weeeeirded out
anyway... in the dream... the chair started doing flips and stuff and i was afraid id fall... i never do... but its that feeling that i will... that 'almost'. so i realized i was dreaming and was like "oh, what do i do about this?" and my mom was there all of a sudden so i started talking to her about it. of course, she started trying to help me and i was so very amazed. i said to her "wow, see... youre not real, you know that right, ive made you up in my head" and she was like "yes" and i replied "but youre STILL standing here helping me figure out what to do in this dream... and whether or not i should wake up.. eliminating you, my vision." i dont know if she replied... but she understood and was very sweet about it :-)
anyway... so i decided to wake myself.. and i went back and remembered all the tricks that are supposed to work. first i just tried to will it... and i thought it was working, so i got up and grogilly made my way to the door in my room to the rest of the apartment... but i couldnt shake the dream and it was all still in my head. i tried talking to get myself out of it... screaming for sydney and stuff, but i couldnt scream or even talk it all just came out a rasp. then i went back into my room and andy came in.. or was there or something... and i was SO RELIEVED! still obviously knowing i was dreaming i just wrapped my arms around him and kissed him, but like my mom, i kept talkign to him as if he was really there and himself... i kept asking him why, keeping my voice raspy because suddenly i didnt want to wake myself up, and was a little scared i might accidentally .. i dont know which 'why' i was asking him... but he knew... i guess thats why i didnt have to get specific... it was an all encompassing why and he gave me a silent answer. he kept kissing me and it was so terribly melancholy... but like i said, at that point i really appreciated the fact that i was dreaming so i could have this moment... i didnt want it to go away... i didnt want to wake up. but suddenly he was gone. first i got bummed and then frustrated... i couldnt wake myself up and whats the point of dreaming when things you want to happen randomly disappear. so, still in the calm melancholy space, i thought "ok... well what happens if i just lie down on my bed like in real life and close my eyes... cant really fall asleep in a dream... so i did, i laid down and kinda laughed at myself for being so... me. trying to fall asleep in a dream... who do i think i am? hahaha. i closed my eyes and when i opened them i thought maybe i was awake because i opened them because i heard a meow... and saw scarlet in my room. i thought to myself "i didnt leave my door open... did i?" she snuck under my blanket which was on the floor and (ok, SNUCK isnt a word now??).. and again, i realized that simple real life things like "moving" were difficult... so i thought.. ok this must be hard because im waking up... i'll THROW myself into the movement and itll wake me up completely! so i thrust forward, rolled myself off the bed... and onto the blanket that scarlet was under... i heard her meow. i thought "ok, im still not awake because im on top of my roommates cat and im pretty sure i closed the door in real life... i BETTER have closed my door and not be awake and not be squooshing my roommates cat!!" i wasnt awake. and scarlet (even in the dream) was fine.
so i got back on my bed, feeling like a bit of a failure, especially after many more opening your eyes and looking up as far as you can tricks that are supposed to work.. and just laid down again. (oh i forget where... but somewhere in the dream... i also went out into my apartment and started smashing random unimportant things. and at some point i also thought to myself "im finally getting some hard core sleep.. im obviously sleeping heavily enough to not be able to wake up... i OBVIOUSLY need this. but it was still frustrating. so i kept trying to wake myself up.) so... when i laid down, i heard a hairdryer sound coming from my fan. at this point the randomness of the dream was flat out annoying to me so i turned to my fan and said "WHAT?!?!?" and it stopped. so i was like "oh. cool. i can control things just by saying them? sweeeet." i said "i wanna hear some music" something started playing. i said "how about some 'owen'" and owen started playing instead... so i laid down on my bed again, thinking "ok, cool, i cant wake myself up? thts fine. i can hang out in my dream commanding things with my voice and listening to owen."
i woke up immediately.

so... subconscious... you win this weird twisted round... i hear you loud and clear-- "you wake up when I DECIDE you wake up.. you will have nothing to do with it! slavegirl body!"

im going back to sleep. i DO need it. i wonder if this entry will really be here when i wake up "again" :-D

current mood: curious

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Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
11:52 pm - change of plans...
so, i guess i AM going home for thanksgiving...
work dicked me over and cut a couple of my shifts... so, i cant actually AFFORD this trip, but whatever :-)

im just gonna try to take it easy. the traveling itself will be great, because i really need some chilling with good music time... ive gotten pretty down on myself just lately. but if i have a good bus ride and then get to spend time with kyle and jeremy on the car ride and then let family invigorate me and inspire me to keep going forward instead of focusing on how much i miss them and want to be around them more and long for what i dont have... NO its thanksgiving! its not about what i wish i had... its about what i do have... what im blessed with. oh yeah, and i have to try to not let myself get carried away with food :-) shouldnt be too hard... my appetite lately has sucked... :-(

either way.. i will post again soon. maybe when i get back tomorrow. :-) i DO have a lot to be thankful for. i'll write about that.

current mood: crazy

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Monday, November 24th, 2008
9:00 pm - :-)
i was told i look like angelina jolie again today... i havent gotten that one in a while!

yay :-)

ive also been told that it looks like im losing weight again.

more than anything, im excited because im feeling good about just me. and christmas isnt too far away :-D which means vt!! :-D!!

oh and ALSO!!!! im trying to COOK for thanksgiving!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

i figure i have two whole empty apartments to myself, so if i burn one down i have a back up. hehehe (dont worry erica, i'll use my apartment as a first test :-D )

current mood: working

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Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
8:24 pm - sitting on cats :-)
ok... so not exactly sitting ON... sitting with. erica's specifically. all week. yay.

i dont eat enough protein. blech.

ive woken up for the past two mornings mad at ben. weird. and unhealthy im sure.

i just have to write in here and want to get it over with. done.

current mood: sleepy

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Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
1:55 pm - my new healthy life
well... im trying real hard to get back on track... people have noticed im losing weight... but i really need to start doing it in a more healthy way. i can get skinny... we all know that... problem is, the way ive usually tended to do it would leave me even more unhealthy than i am now... no good.

so, im back on sparkspeople.com and this time instead of getting obsessed (matt you were right... it was too much when i used to do it) and trying to speed through it all and beating myself up about it... im just going to actually read/listen/work through it and take things slow and steady.

my goal is 122 by new years eve. thats 11 lbs and 100% doable. in order to do it.. im working on my subgoals... at least 2 fruits/veggies a day, 8 hours of sleep a night, and writing in a journal. tada!
im also going to do my best to actually ask for help... or at least support. i mean, you all know me... and you know my shortcomings... i dont like thinking i NEED to ask for help, and most of all... when i dont ask for help and feel like im cutting myself off from people because of it-- foods my go-to-guy :-)
i have a dirty filthy love affair with all things edible and delicious... its one thing i let myself, without guilt (usually), indulge in a complete and total obsession with... it is worse than any human ive ever let myself get attached to... food is my ultimate attachment. and the thing is this: i always try to just cold turkey end it... but i never WANT to end it... i still dont... i just want to turn it into a healthy relationship :-) food went from the enemy i was obsessed with to the lover i was obsessed with... so i guess this is me saying,
"Food, it's been intense... and i dont love you any less... but we need to start again... as just friends. and if we can build a healthy relationship... we'll see where it takes us. and if not... i'll eat your stupid face." :-D

so.. heres me starting... again... and hopefully smarter, stronger, and all around better

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
1:22 am - things ive been wanting to say to people
these are pretty much all negative things... cause the positive things i usually say... so dont think ive turned into a negative nancy (does anyone use that term anymore?)... im just starting to bottle and i dont like it... and saying any of these out loud would most likely just hurt situations. so... i dont kno wif this will help... maybe i can think of better ways to put these...

i used to think you liked playing devils advocate, now i just think youre a heinous bitch. or maybe you just always want me in particular to be wrong. im so sick of it.

i saw another version of you in the subway, playing his guitar and singing... i didnt tip him. before you, i mightve... despite the connection i made to you... because i used to be more caring and reasonable. youve made me a worse person. at least for now.

i noticed lately that ive been spitting like a llama, and i always think about how much youd enjoy knowing that. but youre not around. and i still blame you most for that.

when i need a pick me up, its never too hard... i just think about you. or that guy over there. oh he's so my type. (this is one i actually thought today... its not really something i wanted to say to someone.. at least not the end part... but it just came into my head exactly like that... and i realized that im fucking stupid when it comes to guys. there... i guess thats something i wanted to say to myself. success)

im pretty sure you were someone i wouldnt have liked before the tragedy. so i see no reason to like you now.

just because youre fun doesnt make up for you being a sucky friend and maybe just a sucky person.

you seem sincere... until you dont think i'll give you what you want.

you BETTER be acting like a dick because you love me... because otherwise i'm done with you forever. theres no gain in me doing all the work... for either of us.

you.... i might be good for you and you will probably never know.

i dont know who i am anymore. i used to say things i thought... the truth, brutal as it may be. and that meant i knew that i was maybe a bitch or tactless... but i KNEW i was honest and forthright. and that was the good in it no matter what. now i try to not say them, maybe thinking if i dont say them i might not actually mean them and theyll just go away and i can be a real good person all the way through.... but they stick... not forever... worse, they become meaningless... i become apathetic of the people they were meant towards. is it better to just become apathetic or to fight for the relationship through honesty, cruel as it may be? i mean.. isnt that why people who love eachother the most fight the hardest? i used to be sure of a lot of things im no longer sure of. and it worries me. a lot.
even worse... there are positive things i dont say anymore... trying to be "tactful".. playing the game... not showing too much affection...
this is all so stupid.
or... necessary?
am i maturing? or am i taking leaps backwards...?

oh, heres something interesting! i actually am so effected by this misunderstanding of what feelings and thoughts to share and not share that ive started lying randomly... not to everyone... just to the people im confused about how to treat... and not like lies about anything significant... just like "hey are you home?" "no... im at work... i should leave pretty soon" i was at home... no reason to tell them i wasnt... no significance... just fucking OFF...
oh dear... am i losing it? i think maybe i am...
but... im at least losing it to some really good music...

current mood: confused

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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
5:13 am - hi hello
wow... i forgot this journal existed.... again...

perhaps i will return. yea, verily i shall.

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Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
12:39 am - numb
i just had a break down
and now things are like... floating in the air
nothing is sticking
i feel absolutely nothing
i think i should be lots of things
and none of them are good
these are all things i am... but they all came out... and now theyre staying out
i am all those things
but theyre not a part of me right now
i suppose in the morning they will have settled again
but right now i feel nothing
not tired
not awake
not calm
or anxious
just blank
i dont write poetry anymore i just talk i cry i act like im five and like im fifty and like ive given up and im trying so hard

i feel like its times like these that kids must do the stupidest things in their lives
one-night stands, overdosing, walking through freezing weather naked, physically beating themselves up
its times like these that people think about suicide
but dont do it
it just exists as one more thing that wont stick
no motivation
no desperation

but i do still want
and i realize that and it makes something stick
but i dont know my choices
i dont know how to get there
and they float away again

i try
i turn dramatic when it goes wrong
it hurts and so i scream
it worries me more when i dont scream
and right now im silent

im not tired but i dont know what else to do but sleep
wondering which things i will feel tomorrow
or all of them
causing the chaos all over

i want a hug
i want a perfect hug
i want a perfect world
i want it to be real
i want to not sound so fucking emotastic
i want it even more to be not how i feel
i want you to love me
i want you to hate me
i want you to say things to me like i say to you
i want to feel more than nothing
but less than everything

let some thing settle tonight
let other things go away
i dont care where to
maybe if you feel them about me then i wont feel them about you
thats probably how it works

but when people just let you breathe... just breathe at them...
who the fuck DO i think i am?
i bet tomorrow the scared will stick
maybe the excitement too though

can i let myself be anything but miserable after this?
if im not my worst enemy than who is?

i dont want to talk
i dont want to force anything

i dont even hate this
i could say i do
im sure i do
but i cant feel it

i will write when im whatever i was or whatever im going to be
anything but this

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Friday, February 15th, 2008
3:46 am - why i love my roommate the most:
Laurey567 (3:38:49 AM): and then i offered to cut some bread for him
Laurey567 (3:39:29 AM): and did.  but in the process i smashed the loaf down and ended up handing him this like condensed weird piece of what was many once bread
Laurey567 (3:39:44 AM): he was like..."uh, thank you."
Laurey567 (3:40:09 AM): and i said, "yes, well you're welcome. no one can make compact smush bread quite like me."
umopapisdnnohaas (3:42:01 AM): i cant type im laughing so hard
umopapisdnnohaas (3:42:08 AM): well.. i guess i can type... seeing as i typed that
umopapisdnnohaas (3:42:22 AM): but dear god youre my favorite
Laurey567 (3:43:12 AM): hhaha, you didn't even see me reach across and try to decompress the bread.  that was probably the best part of that little interlude
Laurey567 (3:46:09 AM): oh please, the two of us give each other runs for our money
Laurey567 (3:46:22 AM): (that was hard to say as a plural statement...)
umopapisdnnohaas (3:46:32 AM): hehe
umopapisdnnohaas (3:46:34 AM): fair enough
Laurey567 (3:46:46 AM): but you know
Laurey567 (3:46:57 AM): it takes TWO to make an awksquad
umopapisdnnohaas (3:47:33 AM): no... i think it only takes one...
umopapisdnnohaas (3:47:42 AM): but two to make an awksquad a TEAM
Laurey567 (3:48:00 AM): hahahaha ahhh you are so right and so wise

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
2:11 am - good night
i stay up almost every night now...
partially due to terrible sleeping schedule and some minor form of possible insomnia... but probably more than anything,
due to this hoping something will happen. 

amazing words from someone you really miss... words that remind you how  lucky you are... but make  you miss them that much more

a random taxi ride to someone who makes you feel cozy... kinda like a giggle and a sigh

a compliment from an old love, an older friend.
but theres a reason those things are special.  they dont happen all the time.  the ones that do, you realize you stupidly take for granted.

so i smile
i leave the sad quotes and twisty stomach feelings

and i go to bed

current mood: finally awake. and very sleepy

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Sunday, January 27th, 2008
1:11 pm - isnt it appropriate?
im back.

how am i going to greet my livejournal friends?

ha... how indeed...

well, micaela is a feminine of michael... which is the college both my parents (and i) went to... i dont know if thats why they chose it though
my middle name however, is my aunt's name, and one of the things that i cherish most.

i teared up watching the Hey Jude music video today. call me a sap, but the ending where everyones singing is so uplifting and so sad because its a group of people of different races, ages, and all types all happy and singing as one. (heres where you call me a sap)
why cant the world be like that though?

i do. thanks for asking.

i guess turkey... maybe honey smoked something... honey smoked dragon meat? honey smoked feet flesh? it all sounds good to me.

no. your baby is NOT in here

i dont know. i mean... i think i like me... but maybe id have a hard time putting up with me. i'd probably be one of those friends that i love, but lose track of easily... but then again, im me, so id be ok with that. still with me here? i am.

i loooove questions like this where people answer with sarcasm cause its funny...
does yer MOM use sarchasm a lot?
no, but seriously, im a very serious dull person. no sarcasm. none. straight face.

im actually... not... sure...
that worries me a little.

Id stand up there going "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" maybe scream, possibly cry... and then jump and be super glad i did.
who wants to go with me?? hehe

PUMPKIN FLAX GRANOLA! oh my god! i can only get it at costco! it makes me craaaazy!

no. we are a society of impatient people, are you kidding me? which is funny, cause Jo's right... youre going to just have to untie them later when you need to put them on... double the work... whats wrong with us?

emotionally or physically? im a bit of a mess, and a bit of a lazy butt. but yes to both. or at least yes-ish

oh noooooo.... memories of friendlys flooding back! take me away! make them stop!

ok... i dont notice their personality, or vibe... or eyebrows... you people that do, rock my socks.
no, i... i notice the closest thing to me. if their back is turned... i notice their back. if theyre bent over.. their butt... if their giving me the evil googly eye... okay maybe THEN id notice their eyes. i generally notice that they have a body.

red. there is no other.

i wish i was able to do everything and care about everything 100% all the time. i really dont like that i cant. i lose friends.
i also hate my posture now.

who? well... i missed ME for a while, but now that i have me back.. i miss a LOT of people... people that i lost when i spent all my time getting me back.

yeah. i do.

blue with reindeer and snowflakes. i guess you could call them "pajamas". actually, you should call them pajamas... if you didnt i would question your intelligence. im also wearing big socks. please dont call them shoes... thats going too far.

a "balance bare" sweet and salty yogurty amazingness.

Matt Pond PA "devil in the water" all thanks to PANDORA.COM
if you do not know this website... go there IMMEDIATELY. they make radio stations based off of bands/songs that you like. its free registration and amazing and IM GOING MAD 'CAUSE I DONT HAVE ANY CONTACT INFO TO THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME ABOUT IT!!!!!
sorry... not you... thatd be a "you" that doesnt read this... nor will ever... cause i will most likely never see or talk to him again...

undecided? thatd be quite a color... i want one.

people. im not kidding. people and my stuffed bunny, cottontail's ear. i like clean clothes too.. but not as much as those two

my phone says it was my mom

love love love love love love love love love

im with jo on curling... definitely. i remember watching it all the time at st mikes and having to explain to andy and kevin what they were doing and that no, i wasnt crazy. football is actually growing on me too. and i will always love baseball... but i cannot watch the MLB because i think its soul-sucking and depressing with the money game...

auburn. there is none other for me.

NOT ANYMORE SUCKERSSSSSSSS. if you ever get the chance, get lasik... its the best. unless of course you dont need it... then itd just be silly.

I...... love...... food.....

not much a fan of scary anymore... but cant take too much happy... oh, i guess i am a happy ending girl.

Once. now THERE is an example of above... happy ending, but... well i cant ruin it for anyone who hasnt seen it... but its not a hollywood ending, thats for sure.

pink and blue (hehe.. its funny cause its my pretty and nice shirt... not that anyone knows what im talkign about. haha)

summer summer summer! i like looking at winter... but i can do that in magazines and photos and stuff... SUMMER COME BACK!

depends who's asking ::wink wink::

Pineapple Upside down Cake!!!!!!! (do they have it back yet???)

::shrug:: erica, you wanna?

people who dont like me so much anymore....

"other people's love letters" thanks syd... for making sit and pine and be girly and stuff (but really i love it)

"the riches" which was actually on dvd, but its a tv show. then i passed out watching a little SNL

heartbeats. im a sap.

are you serious? you cant be serious. Beatles. no question.

paris! now ask me what the farthest from home that ive been abandoned! hahahahaha

i AM a special talent. hehehe

b-town vermont. born. and. raised.

you. ok, and you too. fine... you, you, you, you, you, AND you!

well, that was fun. i think being back here and getting to express myself and keep in touch and just throw everything thats in my mind against a computer screen will be good. but something in me is twisting terribly and uncontrollably. i am back where i started. living with my mom. my mom whom i love... but drives me crazy. she adds stress and anxiety to my life that i just dont need, nor i think i can deal with. its only when im living here because she has a very particular way of living... and i worry a little that maybe my new roommates will have some of this in them too. but more than that, i have to live here a whole month more. i dont want to go crazy, and i dont want to hurt my mom with this idea that shes making me crazy. ive learned that i cant live with her. ive learned that i need to give matt his space... i cant live there. what the hell do i do? on top of everything... i am behind... in life. ok, i know thats stupid, but thats how i feel. i want to be in new york. i want to be taking classes. i NEED to be auditioning and living with sydney and meeting people and being excited. i am here, and making plans i dont go through with... or that get pushed back... im living in my childhood home, gettign suckier at my craft each day, and my friends here either dont like me much anymore, dont want to do fun things, or are like me and keep themselves busy and disappear.. im not excited to say the least.
but at least theres pandora.com and memories and lessons and.. well i guess obstacles are good, where would we be without them? i just want to... well.. you know what?? forget this! i will not sit here moping and complaining... im gonna get out there and GET excited!

see ya later :-)

ps. watch out for wil... he reads minds. even with a cold.

current mood: optimistic

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Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
10:27 pm - my current sex life in one east quote:
"its not candy, its a penis...   and im NOT a stranger, im your boyfriend"

this is my life.  hahahahaha.  ::sigh::

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Monday, September 17th, 2007
8:40 pm - trying to make sense of things
well... youve all heard it from me before... if not lately then at least in the past...
my life is a mess.

you know how if you dont get to really eat well for a few days your stomach shrinks and next time you try to eat your regular sized meal you just end up with a stomach ache? well.. apparently its the same with thinking. i swear, working at friendlys was such a mental malnutrition that every time i try to figure out my life or... well think like a reasonable smart human being, i just get headaches. but just like the food thing... just because i cant eat my regular size meal now doesnt mean ive gotten skinny... just cause my brains not functioning fully doesnt mean im dumb. but GOD do i feel like it right now!

im getting anxious and depressy... and i know i cant just blame it on friendlys... actually, there are a lot of things that im have to try to come to terms with that ive never really dealt with before. and then theres things ive been trying to figure out all my life that im now having to do in a different fashion. ok, lets see if i can go into any more detail. i know, im known to be the queen of vague a lot.. but... hmm... ok, lets see

i have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend that im living with. though i am living with him, it is not really at all one of those "adult mature situations". its not like "ooh, youre finally taking that big step and moving in with a significant other". first of all, we've been dating for, what, almost a week now (heh.. ok.. exaggeration. but no longer than a few months and thatd be on and off.) second of all, he lives with the 'rents. rent i can deal with... 'rents, well i just traded mine in for someone elses, huh? sooo... yup. boyfriend = new and interesting and exciting. living situation = new and weird and not altogether working. dont get me wrong, i really like this family! its just the logistics are a little... off. his mom agreed to let me live here and promised me my own space in a little room upstairs near matt's that just needs to be cleaned out (something that is NEEDED.. space... for me. she didnt do this thinking that i would sleep in there... she is a very down to earth and accepting person who knows im sleeping with her son and is ok with it. but she also knows what it means to be a girl and in need of independence. anyway.. moving on...) so, sounds good thus far, right? get my own space for when i need it and my boy's space when i dont :-) well... what i didnt know was that this little upstairs room is not just filled with extra house stuff to be cleaned out, but is actually his FATHERS room for all of his stuff that he stores. his mom promised to give me a room that was in no way hers to give. his fathers a great guy and so hes still cleaning it out, but he never agreed to me having the room, in fact he was never asked... so i feel very bad and theres definitely some tension around that matter... i am not getting my space because though he's cleaning it out he wants to take his time because its HIS and HE never had any say in this whole mess (i hold nothing against him for this.. im just anxious for my own room) so...blech. but meh.

new york is still being held back til syd makes her moneys. and this i dont feel bad about, because i could not move on my own...nor could i move with just another theater person. i need someone to ground me. kevin and i had this big conversation last night about it. anyway.. the only two people i could imagine would really do the trick are sydney or andy. matt is welcome to join... hed make a great porn star... i mean tv star... no, i meant porn. :-)
so new york will wait. its not going anywhere.

on a fun side note... i took the career match test thing (go to http://www.careercruising.com/ and login as nycareers with password landmark) and here are my results (i did the first set of questions and then completed more for a more accurate listing)

1.Adoption Counselor (dropped to #28 after second round of questions)
2.Nanny (dropped to #3)
3.Actor (dropped to #4)
4.Personal Trainer (raised to #2)
5.Flight Attendant (dropped off list, replaced with waiter)
6.Dancer (raised to #1)
7.Funeral Director (dropped off list, thank god, replaced with #6 animal trainer)
8.Hospital Service Worker (dropped to #25)
9.Casting Director (dropped to #16)
10.Library Technician (dropped off list, replaced with #7 teacher assistant and #10 early childhood educator)

so i guess nanny an actor are really good options... two things ive been talking about. ive also thought about flight attending, i think itd an adventure, and casting direcor!! i could be a little female calleri!!! god id love that! teachers assistant is also something id love! hmmm... makes you think...
im only 21, why cant i try all these things?

i am getting fidgety. i feel bad that matt has to deal with me lately. moodyface. but hes good to me. and i think For me as well. hopefully he can say that about me too. i know theres some things... that i wont talk about here... things that ive been going through and hes had to take the hard consequences of them. the figuring out of stuff. where "then" fits into "now" all the hard things in my past.

ok.. hes ancing naked on the bed.. i think that means i have to go :-p

love. hope everyones living life the way they think they should :-)

current mood: contemplative

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